INSTRUCTION ON DEALING WITH AN OFFENSE

 

When you realize that you need to resolve an offense with your offender, for your sake, for that person’s sake (how else will he/she grow) and for Jesus’ sake, deal with it!  Don't go talking to somebody else about your offense—go directly to that person and talk to them.  If they won’t own up to your offense, take another person with you.  (Matt. 18:15-18; Luke 17:3).  However, before you go face to face with that brother or sister, you’ll want to first deal with your heart attitude.  Deal with any anger or bitterness;  think about how you’ve been forgiven by Jesus (for that same offense in which you are now offended) and then be willing to forgive the same way as you’ve been forgiven.  When you take the time to do this exercise, you will be equipped to move into the second part of forgiveness: the willingness to impart the same forgiveness that you’ve received. 

 

With the love of Jesus in your heart, go one on one with the one who offended you and share your offense. This is now about God, His Kingdom and helping the one who offended you—so get yourself out of the center and put God’s Kingdom and the good of that brother at the center.  Speak in a way that will make it easy for the offender to be restored—helping him see how his sin has hurt himself, God and others (in this case—you).  The moment your offender “owns up” to the offense—forgive him/her.  This is what Jesus taught us in Luke 17:3.  Notice in this passage the word “if” which precedes the forgiveness that Jesus is talking about [“...if he repent forgive him”].  Of course, we should always have a readiness in our hearts to forgive.  Jesus is talking about the second part of forgiveness—passing on the words, “I forgive you. The offender’s  repentance, according to Jesus, is the condition of passing those words on.  What else could Jesus mean when He says, “If your brother sins, rebuke him.  If He repents forgive him.”?

 

Forgiveness has two parts to it.  The first part is for ourselves  - so that we don’t allow anger or hatred to control us.  The second part is for our offender – so that he/she may deal with the sin that has surfaced in their lives; so that he/she may be restored to God and with the one he/she offended. 

 

Jesus never spoke of forgiveness as if it was just a matter between the one offended and God.  He spoke of forgiveness in light of the offender’s accountability to God and to the one he/she offended.  He spoke of forgiveness in light of relationships.  Today, many Christians teach of forgiveness as if it were only a matter between the offended one and God.  Some people say, “When I deal with my offence in my heart (get rid of the bitterness) and then offer forgiveness to my offender, forgiveness is complete – whether or not he/she repents or ‘owns up’ to the sin.” 

 

How one can read Luke 17:3 and Matt. 18:15-18 and come up with this conclusion shows how the Church has been influenced by our post-Christian culture that labels any and all confrontation “judgmental.” We’ve been intimidated by our culture and, for the sake of avoiding the “judgmental” label, we’ve disregarded our Master’s instruction. Our “non-committal” culture knows nothing of the grueling work that’s required in committed relationships.  A willingness to forgive should always be cultivated in the believer’s heart, but to pass on the words “I forgive you”  before one ‘owns up’ is contrary to what our Master taught. We’re not thinking Biblically, nor in light of God’s Kingdom. This is not just about you getting your heart right.  As wonderful as that is, this is about helping a brother/sister who is caught up in a sin.  It’s also about not allowing “sin in the camp.” (see Josh. Ch.7).

 

If your brother or sister is unrepentant for a sin done, the loving thing to do for that person would follow God’s Word and bring another brother or sister to help that person see his sin so that God’s mercy and forgiveness (not man’s) can be experienced.  A brother or sister who hardens his or her heart when confronted with a sin will never grow in God’s ways.  We ought to always have that attitude of forgiveness: with God’s love in our hearts, being willing to pass on the words “I forgive you.” But to do so before the offender owns up to his/her sin is to disregard the relational aspect of forgiveness.  Worse yet, it’s to disregard the very instruction of Jesus.  

 

The offended brother or sister must cultivate a willingness to forgive upon repentance in order to protect his/her own heart from bitterness.  This process takes patience and love, but the alternative is to give a quick and immature forgiveness—which only hurts you, hurts the other person and grieves our Lord (even though it may seem like the more “spiritual” or “loving” thing to do.  It’s really not.)

 

To sum up, the offended believer needs to go one on one to his/her offender and make efforts to bring resolve to the offense.  If the offender is unrepentant, cultivate a willingness to forgive while going through this Biblical process rather than just offering forgiveness to someone who is unrepentant. Then, if possible, follow through according to the instruction in Matt. 18:15-18.

desert streams chapel

issues: relationships: biblical instruction on dealing with an offense