REFUSE TO GOSSIP  & REFUSE TO LISTEN TO Gossip

 

   Refusing to Gossip

“Don't let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Eph. 4:29)

 

Gossiping is speaking negatively about a person when they’re not present to defend themselves. If you talk with others about the offense before you talk to God and then to the offender, you will be passing on gossip.  Also, if you pass on anything that taints the person without him/her being able to defend themselves, this too is gossip.  We ought to refrain from all gossip.

 

WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE OFFENDS YOU

 

Offenses and hurts will happen.  If they are small things, it’s good to overlook them. The Bible says,

 

“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”

 (Proverbs 19:11)

 

How do you know that you’ve truly overlooked the offense? You just get honest with your attitude toward that person.  Are you avoiding , despising, or condescending toward that persons?  If you are, then it’s time to deal with the offense—one on one.      

(see RELATIONSHIPS: Biblical Instruction For Dealing With An Offense.   

 

Gossiping could be a subconscious way to “get even” with someone who’s offended you. A godly resolve to never gossip will helps us in refraining from gossiping when we’re offended.

 

Refusing to listen to gossip: “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts.” (Proverbs 18:8)  What destroys churches more than anything else is gossip.  The Bible calls it sin.  Joining DSC says that you are committing to not gossip and to not listen to gossip.  Listening to gossip is really listening to anything negative said about another person.

 

This section is on “how to NOT receive a bad report.” The Bible says,  “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels;  they go down to a man’s inmost parts.”  (Proverbs 18:8).  In this passage, the listener of the gossip is the one whose inmost parts are being effected. These choice morsels are the words that we choose to hear — words that we did not need to hear.  And when the hearer of that gossip receives those words and they go into our inmost parts; it’s like we’ve just eaten candy-coated devil poison.  Choice morsels—yes; yet they’re full of something evil because it unfairly taints a person.  Perhaps there was some truth in what was said (the devil is great at half-truths), but because the person who was offended didn’t follow the Biblical order (going one on one to his/her offender) the words were shared in an inappropriate manner and spirit.  This causes division and disunity.  And O’ how we have regretted biting in to and digesting those choice morsels (i.e. listening to a person’s ‘concern’, because we too were ‘concerned’); especially when we realize we’ve become critical toward that person who was the subject of the gossip.

 

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU HEAR SOMEONE ELSE GOSSIPPING:

If you hear someone gossiping about a person, go to that person and (this is a loving rebuke) ask them what their reason is for passing on this information.  Then, if they recognize that they’ve just passed on gossip, encourage them to go to that person and apologize. 

 

Or, if you’re not sure if it is gossip, call one of the pastors (our phone numbers are in the book) and say, "Pastor, what's the scoop here?"  If we don't know, we'll help you find out.  Each member at DSC must be aware of the destructiveness of gossip and must be willing to do his or her part in not letting any “gossip fires” get started.

 

“For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”  But if you bite and devour one another, take care lest you be consumed by one another” (Gal. 5:15).

 

WHAT TO DO IF SOMEONE COMES TO YOU WITH GOSSIP

If someone comes to you and starts to speak in any negative way about another person, or if that person comes to you expressing a ‘concern’ or a suggestion about the pastor, anyone in leadership – or really anyone for that matter, do not even listen to the ‘concern’.  Just say, “Wait a second, would you tell me why you’re saying this to me and not that person?” 

 

Since there will be no Biblical reason to do so, simply ask that brother or sister to go directly to the person and try to express it to him/her first.  If the concern or offense can be communicated without exposing who that person is then there are times when listening may be helpful. If someone says to you, “I’m having a problem with someone and I need to know what to do; can you help me…” then, as long as your friend can conceal who it is they’re having a problem with, it may be alright to seek the Lord together with them as to the best resolve. But don’t let them use you as a middle person.  If they’re general enough so that you honestly don’t know who they’re speaking about, then you can lead them into the appropriate way to address the one who offended them or the one with whom they have a concern.

 

So, in review…if someone says, “I have a concern about the way _____(fill in the blank)_____ said this—or did this…,” stop them right there.  Say, “Wait a second; before you tell me this concern, why aren’t you going directly to __________ (the person in charge, or the person of which this issue pertains).  Then encourage that one to do so because there will never be a valid reason not to.  The reasons, “Well, he’s so busy, I don’t want to bother him”  or “It’s nothing wrong, it’s only a concern I have” are not valid. This includes any concerns of\r offenses regarding the worship service, the church, the leadership, music, preaching, kids church, this person or that person is handling things, etc.

 

If you have listened to gossip and if you have “taken a hurt” for someone else (which means, you are hurt because you heard of a wrong that someone did to a friend of yours or even to a stranger), you are then responsible to go to that person and press them to deal with that hurt or offence according to the Bible – one on one first.

 

One more note on gossip.  The same way, “Real friends don’t let their friends drive when they’re drunk,” we’re not being a real friend to someone if we’re listening to his or her gossip.  Some people think, “Well, isn’t that what real friends do—listen to their friend who wants to pour out their heart or their complaint.”  The Biblical answer is no!  And here’s why. If a brother or sister is not going directly to his or her offender, then that brother or sister is either ignorant (of Jesus’ instruction) or disobedient (to Jesus’ instruction). Your responsibility before God is to either inform your ignorant friend or correct your disobedient friend. If you want to be a real Christian friend to your hurt or wounded brother or sister, you should be more concerned about your friend’s growth than their immediate comfort. That’s if you want to be a godly friend rather than a worldly friend.  Your friend has enough worldly friends. What she/he needs is a godly friend.  And you can be that kind of friend.

 

Sure, it’s comforting for your friend to be heard by you, but how is your friend ever going to grow up if you don’t give them the opportunity to do so?  You will be guilty of keeping that person stuck in “baby mode.”  Besides, when we’re really honest with our motives for listening to gossip (hearing something negative about another person), we’ll discover hidden motives, such as:

 

1) “I don’t want to hurt my friend; and, if I stop my friend from telling me this and encourage him/her to do what Jesus says to do, I might offend her/him.  And I don’t want to do anything to offend my friend.”

2) “I don’t want to be rejected by my friend; and I might be rejected if I don’t hear her/him out.  And I can’t bear being rejected.”

3) “I like the feeling of power and authority—the fact that my friend came to me;  my friend trusts me—how can I let her/him down?”

   4) “To be honest, I actually like gossip—it’s good to be “in the know”…

          and since I’m so spiritual, I can handle this gossip; then, perhaps I can be

          a peacemaker and help my friend...I do feel so important and needed when

          I can help—so, being in this position of power and being helpful meets   

          a deep need in my own heart!”

 

That sure doesn’t sound like you’re thinking about your friend! It sounds like all you’re thinking about is you! Notice how many times “I” “me” and “my” are mentioned in those 4 hidden motives for listening to gossip.  Bottom line – listening to gossip is just a selfish and childish thing to do – and we deceive ourselves to think that it’s helpful.  So, when we decide we want to leave our childish and selfish way of thinking, and stop deceiving ourselves by thinking we’re helping our friend by listening to their gossip, then we will grow up and help our friends to grow up too. When we obey the Lord in this area, we will truly help our friends.  We will direct them to relate to people within the boundaries of God’s Word, and will encourage them to seek the Lord and go “one on one” with the person who offended them. How arrogant to think that we can sidestep the clear instruction of God’s Word and do relationships according to what we think is right.  Staying within the instruction of Scripture keeps our consciences clear, truly helps our friends, and preserves the unity in the Body of Christ.

 

“Be eager and strive earnestly to guard and keep the harmony and oneness of [and produced by] the Spirit in the binding power of peace.”   

Ephesians 4:3 Amplified Bible.

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issues: relationships - gossip-proofing your church